A second cherub scrutinising the crib looks up at his father and asks, “Dad, who’s the baby?”Dad looks hopefully at his wife, but she is wrestling with a second child.”It’s on the tip of my tongue…” he says. A child is complaining that he hasn’t got any money left; his grandmother says, “Well, throw a crisp at him instead.” The rosy-faced cherub sends a prawn cocktail-flavoured snack flying towards God the Son. The baby Jesus is sprawled on a cot surrounded by Mary, Joseph, and the Three Kings; there is a lot of automated head-wagging. Baby Jesus is swaddled in sacking and a horde of copper coins. The Yuletide custom at Lakeside, it appears, is to throw money at Jesus for a bit of seasonal luck. Have a nice day.”The brothers waddle off, Tiggerless and uncomprehending, into the infinite aisles of this air-conditioned Xmas Essex pantechnicon, easing their way past the Cafe Giardino where a fight has broken out between two young women.”You just leave him alone, you bitch,” screams one as she hurls a bowl of nice ‘n’ hot lasagne at the other.The brothers vanish into the throng that has gathered around the Nativity scene. Big Brother picks up a Tigger (there are dozens of them, whatever Tigger himself might claim)

“Forty-five nicker for a Tigger.

You have to pay the extra in Lakeside, don’t you?”
Not-so-big Brother inspects Tigger’s pricey tag.”So, why do we keep coming here, then?”Big Brother tosses Tigger back on to a soft mountain of Pinocchios and Pocahontases.As they walk out, the ever-so-nice Walt Disney “greeter” smiles a smile that would melt Cruella de Ville’s heart.”Thank you for coming Merry Christmas. Things were complicated when the date of the draw was brought forward Clubs thought they had options. They made the best of a bad job in their view but it was not shared by Uefa’s executive committee.”. Two fortyish blokes – paunches, weighty wristwatches, big jewellery – are checking out the Disney store in the vast Lakeside “regional shopping centre” in Thurrock, Essex They are evidently brothers doing the Christmas shopping.

That entitled them to the extra berth again, but yesterday Uefa took away that benefit because of the attitude displayed by Totenham and Wimbledon towards the competition, which proved unpopular in England even though it provided a route into last season’s Uefa Cup.Neither Tottenham nor Wimbledon could use their home ground and borrowed youngsters from other clubs to replace established players after originally declining to compete.Uefa’s president, Lennart Johansson, said an extra Uefa Cup place was not awarded, “due to the conduct of Tottenham and Wimbledon in last season’s Intertoto Cup.”Graham Kelly, the Association’s chief executive, said: “We realised the situation was not best handled in England and we apologised profusely to Uefa several times. Football

The fiasco of persuading unwilling clubs to compete in the Intertoto Cup last season has cost England a fourth Uefa Cup place next season.
England earned an extra place for this season because of domestic clubs’ good behaviour in European play, and the country’s teams again led the Fair Play rankings, ahead of Sweden, Russia and Finland in 1994-95. Bad light stopped play: 4.30pm.Umpires: S A Bucknor and D L Orchard.. Innings closed: 12.49pm.ENGLAND – First Innings*M A Atherton c Hudson b Donald 2(4 min, 6 balls)A J Stewart c Hudson b Matthews 41(130 min, 85 balls, 8 fours)G P Thorpe c Cullinan b Donald 2(17 min, 11 balls)R A Smith c McMillan b Matthews 34(96 min, 73 balls, 6 fours)G A Hick not out 16(68 min, 40 balls, 3 fours)R C Russell c Rhodes b Matthews 8(43 min, 29 balls, 1 four)D G Cork not out 10(13 min, 7 balls, 2 fours)Extras (lb4, nb6) 10Total (for 5, 188 min, 40.3 overs) 123Fall: 1-2 (Atherton), 2-13 (Thorpe), 3-83 (Smith), 4-93 (Stewart), 5- 109 (Russell).To bat: J P Crawley, M C Ilott, R K Illingworth, P J Martin.Bowling: Donald 8.3-1-40-2 (nb1) (4-0-18-2, 4-1-16-0, 0.3-0-6-0); Pollock 11-1-27-0 (nb5) (4-0-10-0, 7-1-17-0); Matthews 12-5-31-3 (5-3-10-0, 7- 2-21-3); McMillan 9-3-21-0 (4-1-14-0, 5-2-7-0).Progress: 50: 72 mins, 16 overs Tea: 56-2 (Stewart 23, Smith 22) 17 overs 100: 159 min, 34.5 overs.

The upshot is that the match, and the series, could be decided by one of those big individual scores.(Second day of five; South Africa won toss)SOUTH AFRICA – First Innings(Overnight; 139 for 5)J N Rhodes lbw b Ilott 38(182 min, 132 balls, 4 fours)B M McMillan c Russell b Martin 28(97 min, 81 balls, 3 fours)D J Richardson c Russell b Ilott 7(32 min, 16 balls, 1 four)S M Pollock not out 36(114 min, 67 balls, 5 fours)C R Matthews lbw b Ilott 0(6 min, 1 ball)A A Donald b Illingworth 32(103 min, 90 balls, 5 fours)Extras (lb11, nb1) 12Total (406 min, 100 overs) 225Fall (cont): 6-141 (McMillan), 7-152 (Rhodes), 8-153 (Richardson), 9- 153 (Matthews).Bowling: Cork 27-12-64-0 (nb1) (9-5-18-0, 3-2-9-0, 7-3-14-0, 4-1-9-0, 4-1-14-0); Ilott 15-3-48-3 (5-1-15-0, 3-0-9-0, 7-2-24-3); Martin 27-9- 60-4 (2-0-17-0, 4-1-6-1, 7-3-8-2, 7-4-6-1, 7-1-23-0); Illingworth 29-12- 37-3 (22-8-33-2, 7-4-4-1); Hick 2-0-5-0 (one spell).Progress: 150: 283 min, 71.4 overs New ball taken after 82 overs at 179-9 200: 354 min, 86.1 overs Lunch: 211-9 (Pollock 32, Donald 22) 91 overs. South Africa’s innings was a five section roller coaster – three 50 partnerships, separated by two feeble processions England’s reply was the same in miniature. But Hansie Cronje knows that Stewart can’t resist going for his shots. He set two gullies for him, and Stewart picked out the finer of the two like a South African cameraman homing in on a bikini.To be fair, no one has reached 50 in this curious encounter. Stewart wields a bat with a flourish that no other Englishman can match, but it is now 16 months since he waved it in acknowledgement of a 50.John Edrich, the England batting coach, keeps stressing the value of the big individual score.