Boris Herlman, of Frankfurt, died when a stripper fell off a table and landed on him at a stag party … And, finally, another British triumph: Archie, a snail from Pott Row, Norfolk, covered 13 inches in two minutes to beat the existing world record by a full 20 seconds.. A goat called Cecil caused pounds 100 of damage to a garage in Redruth after eating fermented apples … A woman clairvoyant was removed from a jury in Oslo after telling the judge she knew the verdict … Giant frogs the size of dinner plates reportedly capable of eating kittens, guinea pigs and baby rabbits appeared in south London … The Blue Cross animal welfare charity reported that it had treated 20 cats with broken legs in recent weeks after they had fallen from balconies and high window ledges while sleeping in the hot weather … Felipe Aliago, of Lima, Peru, painted his 98-year-old grandfather red from head to toe to win a pounds 10 bet He now faces five years in jail …

Edward Muller, of Ohio, fired a gun at a delivery boy who brought him a pizza topped with mushrooms Muller hadn’t ordered mushrooms … An RSPCA officer was called out to revive a ferret suffering from sunstroke in Nottingham city centre … But has anyone seen Archer since? Photograph by DAVID KENDAL/PAThe Captain’s catch-up ServiceHERE it is, once again, my useful guide to some of the stories you might have missed over the last seven days … Actually, it was John Hudson and Lord Archer joining the annual Rushcart procession in Littleborough last weekend.

The identity of the rather small man in the middle with the big rosette is unknown, although it is probably safe to say that the expression on his face changed when he saw the faggots piled up on Bleak Hey Nook Sorry, only dreaming. Seen here is John Hudson (on the left), the defeated Conservative Party candidate in last week’s Littleborough and Saddleworth by- election, being led away to be burnt. The ladies in traditional dress carrying the giant match are members of the Saddlesiders “Sambettes” Latin Formation group The man on the drum is Bernard Manning. Cheers!SLOW march, muffled drums: they are an uncompromising people, up on the bleak border between Lancashire and Yorkshire, a people who owe their living to naught but the unforgiving land. And when you get back outside you will find that the shop has closed down because of the competition with that hypermarket just outside Port Stanley. The pubs must be owned by couples called Roger and Liz serving swordfish in the basket while the advertising executives and television producers in Viyella shirts, corduroys, cravats and those funny quilted jackets with no sleeves sip from their own tankards and stand at the bar completely blocking your way to Roger and Liz, who, if you could get at them, would make it crystal clear that they are doing you a huge favour by serving you at all and that this in no way implies any sort of master-servant relationship.